Local Broomstick-Jumping

Went to a wedding for a friend yesterday at Lotte World in Seoul. I'd been enlisted, along with my friend Ian (the crazy Jack Elam-type behind me, above), to carry the Gama - the traditional palanquin in which the bride makes her grand exit following the ceremony. Back in the day they looked something like this:

In the past, these boxes were a form of transportation and the poor bastards recruited to carry them - usually the groom's friends - would end up trucking the bride all over Korean creation just to get her to the wedding, where she'd then meet the groom for the first time in her young life. Fortunately, in our case, the bride had already met her man and we just had to carry her around the corner and through the dining hall so a mob of strangers could clap and gawk in amazement at the foreigners carrying a Korean girl around in a box. No doubt some of them thought we were up to no good.

Supposedly, a quartet of Lotte World employees in their traditional garb were carrying this palanquin and the four of us (foreigners) were simply in tow for ornamental purposes. Let me assure you, though, Ian and I were doing most of the work on this thing - at least so far as the back end was concerned. Thank god we didn't have to cart her all the way to Busan.

Here's a couple photos. Unfortunately, I neglected to reset the ISO speed of my camera and thus we have the blurred shot. The usual apologies.

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Back When...

I'm a sucker for old pictures, especially of Korea where I now live. I just came across this site today. It's a collection of old postcards of Korea for sale.

An even better site, though, may be found here. These pictures were taken by an American fellow stationed in Korea with the military in the late 1960s. Thankfully, he had an interest in photography. He's got some interesting shots of the Anyang-SW Seoul area where I live.

Photo by Neil Mishalov

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Surveying My Goober Domain

Another flare-up at work today. As usual, I was making fun of someone and they got defensive. I might have implied that a certain person's apparel and a shortage of mental acumen were somehow interconnected and that cleared the proverbial benches. Some people are so goddamned sensitive.

You see, I've been in an ongoing debate recently with a co-worker regarding the issue of socks, sandals and what I consider the unfortunate collision of the two. I come from Oregon so I've seen no shortage of this fashion statement in my life, but that doesn't really desensitize a person.

Beyond looking ridiculous, the combination of socks and sandals makes no sense. Think about it: if it's hot enough for sandals, why do you need socks? Conversely, if it's so cold that you need socks, why are you wearing sandals? Quite simply, the socks defeat the purpose of wearing sandals. Your sandals are uncomfortable without socks? Well, stop torturing your feet and buy a good pair of Tevas or Birkenstocks, Forrest Gump.

I also have this theory that wearing socks with sandals is vaguely unhygenic, especially if it rains and those exposed socks get all wet and promote a nice fungus betwixt your toes.

This topic arose again today as a few of us were talking about the gooberish things our fathers do. I mentioned keeping cell phones on one's belt, much like a lumber yard salesman or an ATM repairman, and the atmosphere of the room devolved from there into something of a catfight when I mentioned that my father has been known to keep his cell phone on his belt and wear socks and sandals together. There was some insinuation that I'd been forced to wear socks and sandals as a kid, which I'd like to publicly deny here and now. I simply feel that this goes beyond one's personal appearance - which is more or less their own business - and into the realm of nonsense.

So, I'll put it to you folks. Socks and sandals: yea or nea?

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Sophists and Mandarins

South Korea - free and open democracy that it is - won't let me view the North Korean news agency's website, so I've resorted to using Proxify to skirt the censors and get my daily dose of lunacy.

Today, North Korea is attacking a "U.S. Mandarin's Sophism."

Huh?

First, I had to wonder just what - other than a Chinese person - a mandarin might be. Break out the dictionary: "A member of any of the nine ranks of high public officials in the Chinese Empire." Um, I don't think that's what Kim Jong-Il's pooper-scoopers were getting at. And I thought the Korean-English translations were bad in South Korea.

On to definition number two, then: "A high government official or bureaucrat." Okay, I see now. They're talking about Condi Rice, whom I'd personally like to see tarred and feathered, and her comments that South Korea "should hold dearer the alliance with the far-off U.S. than the relations with their neighbors."

Well, yeah, especially when that neighbor wants nothing more than to kill every one of your citizens and has been trained from birth to do so. Given the choice, I'd side with the country that doesn't have designs on slaughtering my family.

I don't know how long this piece will remain on the linked website, and it's fairly short, so I'll reprint the entire thing here:

U.S. Mandarin's Sophism Assailed

Pyongyang, May 24 (KCNA) -- The U.S. assistant secretary of State was reported to have asserted, when interviewed by the New York Times on May 17, that south Koreans should hold dearer the alliance with the far-off U.S. than the relations with their neighbors. The Solidarity of Youth and Students for Implementing the June 15 South-North Joint Declaration in a statement on May 20 said: The U.S. assistant secretary of State argued about the possible damage to be done by neighboring countries to the Korean Peninsula, talking about "closer alliance" with the U.S. but the U.S. is chiefly accountable for harassing peace on this land and bringing dark clouds of war to hang over it.

Noting that "strengthening the alliance with the U.S. that has grown corpulent through wars and plunder is little short of inviting death", the statement added maintaining this kind of alliance is nothing but a treacherous act of yielding to the foreign invaders and accepting slavery.

The alliance will bring us nothing but a nuclear war and national ruin, it noted, and continued: The Koreans do not have even the slightest intention to allow the 60-year long history in which they have been subject to the U.S. colonial slavery to go on nor do they want to suffer from a U.S.-imposed war. Demanding the U.S. forces quit south Korea at once and scrap the "south Korea-U.S. alliance," the statement declared that the 70 million Koreans would realize the national cooperation and pave their way through their concerted efforts.

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Straight Outta Derby

I really would've expected to find this in the News-Register. But nope, there it is on the BBC.

Seems three sisters -aged 16, 14 and, um, 12 - have all given birth recently. Ain't it touching. Actually, it's rather disturbing. Read all about it for yourself.

My favorite part:

Their mother Julie Atkins, 38, who said the girls were too young and had ruined their lives, blamed schools for providing poor quality sex education.

Right, sure. Three daughters all produce little "miracles" around the same time and it's the school system's fault. I suppose if it hadn't happened this woman would've fancied herself the model mother. I mean, really, when did it become solely the school's responsibility to make up for shoddy parenting? Have "the talk," parents.

At this point, though, it's a bit late for these girls.

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Personal Junk

"Into the sick mind of a clown..."

We're going to need a flux capacitor, what with the way we're stepping back in time today.

Here we have an old site that I did in high schoool, my first foray into HTML. Now, high school was one of the more tedious periods of my life. It wasn't difficult and it required me to be in one place for large chunks of the day (rather like working for a living now, actually). To break the monotony, my friends and I used to sit around in class and make up lists of any topic that came into our heads. We had lists of teacher's quotes, ways to be jerks, tips for showering with friends and so on. Not the most productive use of our educational tax dollars, but it sure as hell beat listening to the teacher prattle on about The Scarlet Letter for the twelfth day in a row.

Evidently, that site got quite a few hits when I first put it up. A friend who worked at this ISP told me it got the most hits of any site on their server, which isn't much to boast about, but it might be the only time I was ever at the top of any (good) list.

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Git Away from My Trailerhouse!

For my own amusement, I've taken to reading the News-Register (or News-Resister, as my father always called it), the local paper of McMinnville, Oregon, the town where I finished high school. And believe me, it offers amusement a-plenty.

Today, we have this convuluted story of two Vietnam vets involved in a minor gun battle in the town of Grande Ronde, Oregon.

Tubbs told investigators from the county's Major Crimes Response Team he thought he heard Mahan laughing. He told them he thought he saw Mahan, an acquaintance, stick a handgun out the window and point it at him.

"So I shot him," Tubbs said. "I fired two rounds from the shotgun. I dropped it and fired two rounds from the .38. I had a chance to defend myself and that's what I did."

It's stories like this that make you love America. I mean, where else would a paroled Vietnam vet with a post-traumatic stress disorder be walking around with a shotgun and a .38? I don't consider myself an anti-gun person and wouldn't propose banning all firearms. I am, however, an Anti-Moron-With-Gun advocate.

Honestly, I could barely follow the trajectory of this story, what with people claiming to be held hostage, talking of mental wards, and saying the Mafia had taken over their homes in Grande Ronde, Oregon. Now, trust me on this one: Grande Ronde is one of the last places that the likes of Tony Soprano or Michael Corleone would want to set up shop. My vision of the Grande Ronde mafia is one of a bunch of incestuous hayseeds sitting around on the porch of their trailerhouse trying to do Marlon Brando impressions between rounds of chaw.

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Old Seoul News: Escaped Elephants

This is old news, but I just came across the video and thought it worth posting.

Last month, some elephants escaped from the Seoul Zoo and dawdled about the suburbs for an afternoon. The linked article has a funny description of the whole spectacle:

The elephants were on a parade led by mahouts outside their enclosure inside Seoul Children's Grand Park in the east of the city when one was apparently startled and bolted, a zoo official said by telephone.

The five others followed "because they have the tendency to do that", the official said.

Don't they, though?

Or this...

Firefighters and zoo keepers, helped by police, cajoled five of the elephants back into the zoo. A police officer said a sixth was at a police station and would be sent back to the zoo soon.

Why was that sixth pachyderm being held? For fingerprinting? Questioning?

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Klansmen in the Beaver State

I'm going to catch some fire from certain persons - and you know who you are - for posting an article by Elaine Rohse, but I'm decent enough to admit when she's written something interesting, something that extends beyond the bowel movements of her husband, Homer, or Mr. Papendrou's temperature upon arriving at the doctor's office.

In this case, she provides a quick history of the Ku Klux Klan in Oregon, which is now one of the more liberal states in the union (well, the western half of it is, anyway). 'Twas not always true, I'm afraid:

All across Oregon, Klan events drew spectators like a Blazer playoff game. In June 1924, when Eugene Klansmen staged a large parade and initiation, "Hundreds of Klansmen and their families from Portland, Grants Pass, Ashland, Medford, Roseburg, Salem, Corvallis, Albany, McMinnville and other towns drove to Eugene in car caravans, while dozens of others arrived by trains." Thousands of spectators watched the downtown parade of some 400 Klansmen as a fiery cross blazed on Skinner's Butte.

In the spring of 1922, Klan lectures in the 5,000-seat Portland auditorium were so popular that overflow crowds posed serious civic problems. When the auditorium was oversold and more than a thousand were unable to gain admittance, the crowd surged up and down Third Street, requiring 83 policemen and 14 deputy sheriffs to restore order. An outraged Catholic delegation officially protested further Klan use of public facilities, but Mayor George Baker, "himself rumored to be a Klansman, refused to take any action."

While racism is still tripping along in the United States, the Klan has thankfully declined in its influence and stature. I attended a protest against the Klan in Annapolis, Maryland back in the '90s and the KKK was far outnumbered by the protestors, so much so that the police had to protect the Klan from the angry mobs who wanted nothing more than to tear the white-hooded fellows limb from backward limb.

I'd like to think that the Klan is on its way out, that it's more a joke and a parody of itself than anything else, but I wonder if this overly-optimistic on my part.

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Today in History...

Today's 18 May, 2005 - albeit not for much longer - and that means it's been a full twenty-five years since the Gwangju Massacre/Uprising of 1980. You can check out the link and brush up on your Korean history, but essentially what happened fits into the whole Prague Spring, Paris Commune line of human events. Folks had their fill of military dictatorships and went nuts after newly self-elected (i.e. a coup) president Chun Doo-Hwan put the kibash on student demonstrations. The local university students rose up against the local police, who then had to call in the military to save their asses and kill a few of the aforementioned protestors (at least 200).

If, by some strange coincidence, you ever find yourself in Gwangju, there's a large memorial to the event.* If you do make it to Gwangju, I recommend a trip through Jogyesan Provincial Park, one of the finest hikes I've taken in Korea and with female monks at the Buddhist temple to feed you bibimbap.

But back to the subject at hand...I should point out that the Marmot's got his annual recounting of the events. A better guide than mine, to be sure.



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*And just so you know, the Starbucks near the bus terminal doesn't open until about 10:00 AM if memory serves (WTF?), so don't be expecting any coffee before you visit the memorial.

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Diplomatic Whoring

We all know that Kim Jong-il is a sadistic tyrant, but who knew he was also a prostitute? Well, today in Aaron's world, we find ourselves wondering why North Korea thinks its company is so damned precious. For ten months they've refused to show up at the bedraggled Six Party Talks (with Japan, China, South Korea, Russia, and the United States) unless a litany of conditions were met: Direct talks with Washington, baboon bartenders and an opening concert by Air Supply. So now, in an effort to get the North back to the table, South Korea has evidently offered to send a few much-needed items north of the border (hey, it wouldn't be first time). The South has not specified what exactly these items might be, but the North has apparently asked for rice and fertilizer - the latter of which seems symbolically appropriate, given the amount of shit spewed forth by both sides of this neverending saga.

We all know, of course, that no one would want to hang out with Kim Jong-il and his cohorts if he didn't possibly have nuclear weapons. As it stands, though, he might have the power to ruin all our Sundays and, in the interest of preserving our afternoons with the NFL, I guess we have to talk to the hateful bastard. But, just for the record, the South is really getting jipped on this deal, and in more ways than one. I mean, they don't even get to shoot the breeze and do soju shots with KJI. They have to sit around and bicker with his underlings. A truckload of manure is about all I'd pay for that. The only other thing South Korea should really consider sending is a shipload of what I call Darth Visors, worn by the local middle-aged women to hide from the vitamin D (see above).

Regardless, all this set me to thinking: With whom would I pay money to hang out? I couldn't really think of anyone, though. Maybe Willie Nelson - and god knows he could probably use the money for back taxes, a new tour bus or a bigger bong - but Willie seems like a guy who would just chill with you for free. How about Boutros Boutros-Ghali? We could talk about what folks in the West think of his name and the idea that "all art is repetition and variation." I imagine he'd have some insightful comments on this notion. It all seems a bit too close to prostitution to me, however, and I can't come up with anyone who would get my money for their social time, least of all Kim Jong-il.<>

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Confessions of a Cynical Mind

I'm rather ashamed to admit this, but I ate at TGI Friday's yesterday.

The waitresses all had individually stupid hats on their heads and plenty of "flare" on the suspenders holding up their black mom-shorts. TGI Friday's is one of those places where they train the staff to squat down lower than the seated customer when taking food orders and it only succeeds in creating a grating, faux-personal atmosphere. If one waitress did it, I doubt I'd notice. But when you see all of them doing it, you know they've been trained to their ingratiating ways. I want a waitress who towers over me, snaps her gum, and says "what'll it be?" while rolling her eyes impatiently and tapping the "no substitutions" notice with her three inch press-ons. Screw this service-with-a-smile nonsense.

I know what you're thinking. And no, I don't know what my problem is. I just don't like people who are cheery all the time. That's my problem, I know, but I'd rather not have sunshine blown constantly up my ass. Besides, what's wrong with a healthy dose of cynicism, pessimism and doubt? Optimism, as a professor once told me, is just a lack of information. But he was Czech, and they've got their own reasons to be moody, so perhaps that doesn't mean much to us here. As far as restaurants like TGI Friday's go, the overly-friendly atmosphere is no more authentic than those "cultural artifacts" they've hung about the walls and no more satisfying than the average entree, but at least in Korea I know they're not angling for tips with the pasty smiles and "how's your dinner?" every two minutes.

The only reason I went to TGI Friday's, for the record, was to get a burger - something better than Burger King or McDonald's. And you know what? It was a good burger, probably the best I've had in Korea to date (which isn't really saying much) and worth hassles of a happy waitress.

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Testimonials: Ed and Joo

A local friend with a strong distaste for socks-and-sandals fashion has set up shop just around the corner from this venerable site. That'd be Ed pictured above. He has an disturbing obsession with - and considerable knowledge of - North Korea, computer games and gun running for the Sandanistas. What else would you expect of guy who wears a Santa suit like that?

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Pasties: Kim Jong-il at the Bada Bing

Christ, I'm determined to get back into this thing full force. Seems every time I want to update it, though, Blogger acts a bitch and I can't upload anything. Not that you're all missing anything - my life has essentially ground down to sabotaging the computer at work with fart sounds at start up and shut down. One of my fifteen year-old students recently told me that I was - "what's the word?" she said - childish.

That - as pathetic as it is - fairly well summarizes my life at this moment.

One problem is that I'm presently in a holding pattern with regards to...well, everything. I've got exactly six weeks left at my current job (about six weeks too many, if you ask me), but that's still too soon to put my name down on a new job, apartment, sheep ranch, etc. None of these issues will too terribly difficult to resolve, if only I could actually boogie down and actually take care of them.

I'll say one thing, though: the North Koreans continue to keep life interesting in this part of the world. I don't know what I'd do without those Stalinist wingnuts up there. They've lately been threatening to do a nuclear test in June, just to prove that they, like George Clinton, actually have Da Bomb. For a number of reasons, I'm hoping the Norks don't go through with this - i.e. I'm not too keen on any potential whiffs of fallout drifting southwards into Seoul (I don't trust the North to plug that hole properly). Furthermore, such a test would rip hell into the South's economy, propped up as it is by so much foreign investment, and I don't want to see the Won start trekking to the back of the bus with the US dollar just yet.

My solution in these times of trouble and woe? Watch the first (and only) five seasons of the The Sopranos. Pop culture goes down so much easier than the thought of nuclear Armageddon.

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