I Don't Understand

I have one real problem in this world: I don't get it. Seems everywhere I turn there's something or someone doing things that - to me, at least - make no bloody sense. Now perhaps there are good reasons for why these things happen, and if so, please explain them to me. For now, though, color me bewildered.

Today, I offer two (unrelated) knots for your undoing...

1. "Starving People in Africa Would Be Happy to Have That."
Babies and Birthday Cakes

Unbeknownst to her, my niece (left) just had her first birthday, which means her parents and grandparents put a cake in front of her and set her loose on it. The kid gets cake on the walls, floor, herself, in the heating ducts and everyone coos, "oooh, how cute."

I don't get it.

How many times did adults tell us to finish our food because there are hungry people in the world, to waste not and want not, to not play with our food, to hide the drugs in a pastry? In their young lives, kids are confronted with countless inconsistencies and hypocrisies - why give them one more?

Put that aside, though, and I still don't understand this tradition. Where you see a kid smearing herself in cake and say, "ahhhh," I see a mess. If I'm a parent, I'm looking at training a successful, integrated member of society, one who knows the salad fork from the butter knife. This is not a good start.

So, as I told my mom, any kid of mine will be getting their first birthday cake intravenously.

2. Sports Mismanagement

The NBA trading deadline passed last week, with little more than a whimper on the trade front. Plenty of heads have been scratched over the Knicks taking on Steve Francis - and it is baffling - but the Knicks may soon have competition for the NBA's Most Mismanaged Franchise trophy: the Portland Trailblazers.

Despite 21 consecutive playoff appearances, a league-record streak of sold-out home games and one of the most loyal fan bases in the league, the front office at One Center Court managed to find a way to louse it all up. Yeah, payroll was too high. Yeah, the team was a collection of petty criminals. Yeah, they were getting old. But how did it get this bad?

John Nash and Steve Patterson decided to gut and rebuild the team, mostly through the draft. In theory, I understand this reasoning. The alternative may be to have a better record with a mediocre team, but the toughest thing from which to extricate oneself in the NBA (as in life) is mediocrity. When you finish in the middle of the pack, you draft middle-of-the-pack players. Worse, you end up spending more money than you should on players who don't deserve it. Problem is, more teams have failed at building this way than have succeeded, unless they're willing to spend the money or move players to bring in veteran quality, which the Blazers appear not to be.

With the Blazers' announcement on Thursday that they expect to lose $100 million in the next three years (largely due to a boneheaded arena lease they negotiated), the direction of the franchise has become painfully apparent. They made a lousy deal last week that did little to improve the team but saved owner Paul Allen $2.5 million. Now they are asking for public help from the city of Portland. I've seen bums with more dignity in their begging (especially the ones who play a trumpet - now that's classy).

Please explain where - aside from bankruptcy - this team is going.

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Doing Lines

My Favorite Questions from Lonely Planet's Thorn Tree forums:


"Has Bombay changed its name? I'm sure I heard it mentioned on a recent news programme."


"I saw a picture the other day and it is breathtaking. What city is it near? Is it safe for Alaskans to travel?"


"I have read that wearing a rainbow flag pin could help with upgrades and other perks if a gay flight attendant or check-in guy sees you wearing it. Is this true? Where does one buy a rainbow flag pin?

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In Yo' Face

Elaine Rohse

Homer came home from downtown, entered by the back door, walked down the hall through the family room, put a gallon of milk in the refrigerator in the kitchen. And there on the floor was a trail of birch leaves. It took no skilled woodsman to track his every step. His path was perfectly marked with little birch leaves.

I had just vacuumed the rug. I was upset. I upbraided him for not cleaning his feet.

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In Your Mouth, Of Course.

I'm not a man who holds himself to many rules, but I try to abide by the following:

1. Don't put penises in mouth.
2. When in Rome...

I've always felt the latter applies only to Rome, and in some cases Ougadougou. But not to Beijing, where a new restaurant further confirms the stereotype that the Chinese have found a culinary use for, well, everything:

China's cuisine is renowned for being "in your face" - from the skinned dogs displayed at food markets to the kebabbed scorpions sold on street stalls - and there is no polite way of describing Guo-li-zhuang.

Situated in an elegantly restored house beside Beijing's West Lake, it is China's first speciality penis restaurant.

See rules 1 and 2.


_____
Thanks, Jon, for this email, the Nesbit joke, and the '53 Ford hubcap.

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Idiots' Inventions: Baby Dunking

When I was a kid - back in the days when legends like Dominique Wilkins, Spud Webb and, um, Terence Stansbury dominated the NBA's All-Star Saturday - my Dad used to tell me that the slam dunk contest had gone rotten and it was only a matter of time before the NBA scrapped it. For his money, he preferred watching Dale Ellis and Craig Hodges go at it from behind the arc. Well, here it is 2006 and Nate Robinson (above) just won the dunk contest.

I have to agree with Sparkles that the dunk contest would be better held every five (or twenty-five) years. I mean, really, do you expect to see anything this year that you didn't see last year? But, as the event doesn't seem to be going anywhere, I've come up with a way to improve on it: baby dunking.

No, no. Just hear me out.

To be eligible for the slam dunk contest, a player must have an infant child of dunkable size and be phsyically able to dunk that baby (Earl Boykins need not apply). Absentee mothers are a help, too. Each contestant gets to dunk his kid four times and then, for the so-called Money Dunk, he must choose one of the other contestants' kids and dunk it.

As I see it, this is a win-win for all involved: we get a revamped All-Star Saturday and the players get to dunk their kids. So let's all fire off a quick letter to David Stern and see if we can't get some babies dunked next year in Vegas.

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Here, Puppy...

Another Friday morning in Seoul, South Korea, which means it's Thursday evening in Yamhill County, Oregon, USA and therefore time for another edition of my favorite cultural trainwreck: The News-Register.

First, I read this article: Thirteen Percent of Oregon Public School Kids in Special Ed

Then, I read this: Offender Accused of Sex with Dog

I hope I'm not drawing connections where there aren't any, but I daresay that years of cuts to education funding - which effectively sunk the No Sex with Animals curriculum in public schools - have left us with a with a youth culture that doesn't know that sex is a sacred act between two drunk people on prom night and dogs are best had in soup. For their part, dogs no longer respect their bodies and will put out for anyone, anytime - all because of the failing school systems.

I think it's time we talk with this Bush fellow about his latest budget plan.

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No-Count Functionaries

News travels fast these days so I doubt I'm announcing anything approaching news.

Na Young and I have taken ourselves out of the running for a US visa, at least for this year. Oddly enough, it was governmental cretinism on the Korean - not American - side that buggered us. A long, dusty tale involving tax records, flamingos and a dwarf named Nasir - I won't saddle you with the details.

As I write this, Korea and the US are negotiating a free trade agreement, part of which - if ratified - will allow Korean nationals to travel visa-free to the States for, I believe, up to sixty days, effective 2007 (though I question whether this will apply to spouses of US citizens). Na Young and I have therefore decided to wait and see what happens on that front, because if the FTA goes through, all this paperwork for which we've been fighting will be rendered unnecessary.

The States being out, we've moved on to Honeymoon Plan B: India. In monsoon season. Wise, no? We're looking forward to wading through waste-high water and cattle crap. It certainly can't be any more trying than dealing with the Korean government.

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Blue Movie Review of the Week

"I expected more, and got less, from Joe Gallant's UltraVixens, got just what I expected from Phat Buttz Drain My Nutz!, and didn't know what to expect from Exxxstasy Island."

-Gram Ponante

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Editorial Privilege

In a continuing effort to remain relevant, the editorial board here at idiots' collective has been mulling over potential additions to the site. As usual, though, we (meaning, of course, I) can't even decide what to have for dinner, let alone how to satisfy you, the reader. So, as Tom Waits said, step right up and choose your poison. Here are a few of the calamities we're considering:

Who's In Jail?

Well, since you asked, Jerry here's in the clink for menacing. I know, you wouldn't think he had it in him, but there you are. He's forty years old, stands 5'9" tall, and weighs in at 160 pounds. He enjoys catfish noodling, Thomas Pynchon novels and discount dental work. He prefers open-minded women from Mombasa.

(This is a risky idea because Na Young says I'm not allowed to make fun of the following: prisoners, poor people, gay people, bipeds, tripods or marsupials.)

Idiots' Inventions

This week, we're proud to introduce the Sofa Toilet. It is, as you might predict, a sofa with a built-in toilet (or toilets, depending on the size you order). No longer will you have to race for the bathroom during a commercial break and risk missing the ending of CSI: Nesbit, Mississippi. No indeed. Now you can just lift the cushion of your sofa toilet and relax while you watch the square-jawed forensic expert track down the bastard who stole Bobbie Jo Amos' TV from her front yard.

Comes in single, deluxe (two toilets), and Chinese (six toilets) models.

Misquoted


"Maybe...I...have...fuzz [in places you don't know about]."

- Al Gore, in a speech at NYU on 7 April, 2003

"In Yo' Face"

By Elaine Rohse

"Oh, Homer," I said, as he started, "that's a funny way to roll up socks. Let me show you how I do it. It's really a better way."
I showed him how I rolled up socks.

* * *

There you have it, folks. Cast your votes in the 'comments' section below and accept your fate.

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The Only Psychedelic In Korea

Psychedelic Kimchi is the latest addition to the blogroll (stage right). It's written by a Canadian fellow who loves basketball, film, and literature. Plus, he can actually string together a decent sentence, so hey, the site can't be a total disaster.

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Unsolved Mysteries

Where's Robert Stack when you need him?

On the Seoul buses, there's a female voice that announces each stop as the bus approaches it. For a while I figured the bus driver pushed a button to make this announcement, but one night - when the bus was crowded and I had to stand next to the driver - I watched him and he never did anything except steer erratically, shift and flip the door switches. I also considered that a well-timed cassette might serve this purpose, but how to explain the variances in traffic and timing? It's also possible that there's some sort of GPS system that triggers the voice automatically when the bus passes certain points and, if this is the case, I want to see how it works.

Ultimately, though, I think there's a woman hiding under one of the bus seats with a microphone, announcing all the stops. I'm looking into this and I'll let you know when I find her.

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