O, Children
>> 25 June, 2008
If you have children - and I assume some of you do - I am sorry to tell you this: they are not special. Oh no, please don't get me wrong, folks. I know you think they're special; I'm just telling you they're not.
Did you know that every time a guy comes, he comes 200 million sperm? And you mean to tell me that you think your child is special? Because one out of 200 million sperm, in that load, connected? Gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what this means? I have wiped entire civilizations off of my chest with a grey gym sock. That is special. Entire nations have flaked and crusted in the hair around my navel. That is special. And I want you to think about that, you two-egg-carrying beings out there with that holier-than-thou, we-have-the-gift-of-life attitude. I have tossed universes in my underpants while napping.
That is special.
- Bill Hicks
I am, in Darwinian terms, a dead end: I don't have kids, don't want kids, and don't particularly like kids. Oh sure, I recognize their utility - as, for instance, someone to plow your fields, carry on the family name, or work while you collect your old age pension - but they're also squirrely, shitty little creatures who sap their parents of time, money and energy and then bugger off for lives of their own. My view on biological spin-offs (especially those spun by me) lies somewhere between my sentiments toward colon cancer and jury duty – that is to say, something interesting but ultimately unpleasant. And yes, the thought of just having a vasectomy and being done with the matter crosses my mind more often than it probably should, though at least it would, amongst other things, ensure that we wouldn’t end up with a son called Oops or a daughter named Shouldapulledout.
I've reached that age at which many of my friends have begun, en masse, to birth babies and, to the extent that they're happy with the new arrivals, I'm happy for them. After all, it's not as though my goal in life is to dampen spirits and edit out joy. Having reached "that age," however, means that I now have to endure frequent questioning about my own refusal to join the parenting club. People with children just can't understand why anyone wouldn't want younguns of their own.
"Because parents find it hard to believe that those without children can be happy, that is the dominant view," says Kate Stanley of the Institute for Public Policy Research in Britain.
The truth, however, is that happiness indices show no clear correlation between having children and being happy.
These interrogations are especially rough on women, who are viewed vaguely as failures - or, at a minimum, oddities - if they opt not to have children. Of course, as Will Wilkinson and Tyler Cowen discuss in the video above, women who have children and attempt to maintain a life of their own are often seen as bad mothers if they outsource much of the childcare. A woman in this modern world just can't win.
I'm not, for the record, anti-children. As I said above, someone needs to have them, otherwise who's going to keep society humming along when free-riders like me retire? Just ask the Japanese. I acknowledge, as well, that there's a biological imperative (or condom breakage) that drives most humans to reproduce, but I'd be curious to know how many children are born due to social, rather than evolutionary, pressures that condition people from a young age to blindly accept parenthood as the inevitable course of life.
Korea's low birthrate shows that Koreans view as a choice the number of children they have, but these same people seem genuinely shocked when someone - e.g. me - suggests that the question of whether or not to have children at all is similarly a matter of choice. Most have simply never considered the idea that they have no particular obligation to procreate and many people - especially those who are already locked into parenthood - don't really want to be exposed to such a notion now. Better to just ignore the idea and pretend that your whole life has simply been preparation for toilet training, curfew enforcement and pretending that the picture taped to the fridge is high art.
But, counter many Korean parents, you'll be lonely in your old age unless you have children. Apparently uncertain of their ability to make and sustain close human relationships, these folks have decided to breed their future social circles, all the while ignoring the countless geriatrics who moan about never hearing from their children. Whether or not your twilight years are lonely, then, depends not on the number of your progeny, it depends on you.
So please love your children, raise them well, and teach them to be upstanding pillars of the community. Just please don't call me to babysit them until they're in my phone book.
I've reached that age at which many of my friends have begun, en masse, to birth babies and, to the extent that they're happy with the new arrivals, I'm happy for them. After all, it's not as though my goal in life is to dampen spirits and edit out joy. Having reached "that age," however, means that I now have to endure frequent questioning about my own refusal to join the parenting club. People with children just can't understand why anyone wouldn't want younguns of their own.
"Because parents find it hard to believe that those without children can be happy, that is the dominant view," says Kate Stanley of the Institute for Public Policy Research in Britain.
The truth, however, is that happiness indices show no clear correlation between having children and being happy.
These interrogations are especially rough on women, who are viewed vaguely as failures - or, at a minimum, oddities - if they opt not to have children. Of course, as Will Wilkinson and Tyler Cowen discuss in the video above, women who have children and attempt to maintain a life of their own are often seen as bad mothers if they outsource much of the childcare. A woman in this modern world just can't win.
I'm not, for the record, anti-children. As I said above, someone needs to have them, otherwise who's going to keep society humming along when free-riders like me retire? Just ask the Japanese. I acknowledge, as well, that there's a biological imperative (or condom breakage) that drives most humans to reproduce, but I'd be curious to know how many children are born due to social, rather than evolutionary, pressures that condition people from a young age to blindly accept parenthood as the inevitable course of life.
Korea's low birthrate shows that Koreans view as a choice the number of children they have, but these same people seem genuinely shocked when someone - e.g. me - suggests that the question of whether or not to have children at all is similarly a matter of choice. Most have simply never considered the idea that they have no particular obligation to procreate and many people - especially those who are already locked into parenthood - don't really want to be exposed to such a notion now. Better to just ignore the idea and pretend that your whole life has simply been preparation for toilet training, curfew enforcement and pretending that the picture taped to the fridge is high art.
But, counter many Korean parents, you'll be lonely in your old age unless you have children. Apparently uncertain of their ability to make and sustain close human relationships, these folks have decided to breed their future social circles, all the while ignoring the countless geriatrics who moan about never hearing from their children. Whether or not your twilight years are lonely, then, depends not on the number of your progeny, it depends on you.
So please love your children, raise them well, and teach them to be upstanding pillars of the community. Just please don't call me to babysit them until they're in my phone book.
2 comments:
I think this is highly hysterical. I have often thought it is the most ridiculous thing for people to be "taught" they grow up and have children. In reality we need to stop having children, the planet is running on overload. I have only recently changed my mind on having children. I have been dead set against it for years. But I find myself feeling guilty for wanting to bring a child into this world, and forcing my offspring on a planet that is failing under the monstrous pressure we are placing on it.
In my feelings toward younguns, I'm less concerned with matters of population than I am with the fact that, well, I just don't like kids. I'd say if you want kids, though, go ahead and have 'em. Just please don't sit next to me on an airplane until the child is at least 18 years old.
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